Monday, November 24, 2008

Goodbye,and farewell.

So we will run
All altogether
Our hearts aflame
With a fire that cant be tamed
Our God
All glory to Your Name



Doesn't feel like it though. Time has passed so fast that I've been caught unaware(s?). Feels like it happened just yesterday,like I didn't study hard enough,didn't live up to people's expectations,didn't live up to...me. I keep talking about time...and talking about time,Pastor Dan was right. This year's a year of acceleration.Extreme acceleration,if you ask me.Its nearing December,and I've still got a list of things that I've yet to accomplish.No biggie.(Thank You,Jesus)

About Os... Everytime someone mentions something about O Levels,my heart would start beating faster,and the same question always pops up into my head: "What if I fail?What if I'm unable to live up to the expectations of others...even my own." What if this,what if that. I had this strange dream where if I were to fail a subject,I'd get sent a letter telling me so.And so I failed E Maths(in my dream),and I got a letter.It was so real; the sinking feeling,seeing the words jump out of the page,the horror of failing and disappointing everyone.

I felt like a nobody.(Not like I'm not one now)

Thank You,Jesus.I put this situation into Your hands.Its not by my effort but by Your grace.I've already done my best,so now its all up to You.You have seen my future,and it is good.

And when I return to what I've missed out on so much,namely DARE,I feel pretty left out.As in,I feel like everyone's taking a step forward and I'm still standing alone behind,or even moving backwards.I just feel that I can't break out of my shell.I can't seem to learn to love me for me.I feel so...backward.So...idiotic.I'm a n-o-b-o-d-y.Feels like it.And I'm sorry if I've overreacted and started being all paranoid-y.I'm sorry.Thta's just...who I am...or maybe who I WAS,if I were to take that step forward.C'mon Elaine,you can do it.

When I see others gushing about how they feel about their 'special someone',I can't help but feel a little stab at my heart. They've got someone special-I'm not saying that I'm anxious to be placed in their shoes,but it feels great to be loved,isn't it.To have someone to love you and be your best friend.Someone who knows you better than yourself,who knows who you really are,and loves you for it.I guess curiosity kills the cat; That's what happened to me when I decided to give relationships a go,only to realise that the more I'm into it,the heavier my heart feels.
I'm not asking to be in a relationship; I'm already in one with Daddy God,but sometimes,I wonder how is it liked to be loved by another human being like myself.And then again I wouldn't want it at all.Guess now's not the time. Guess I'll just be me for a while.


One thing I've learnt so far:
Silence,is Golden.